Take a Lemon

I started thinking about Nikki’s “homework” before dinner. On the one hand, despite what Nikki had said, I wasn’t quite sure I was ready for the implied surrender to girliness; on the other, I was intensely curious about what it would be like, and it’s not as if it would be hurting anyone.

Still, I started guiltily when Chad called.

“Oh, hey, Chad!” I said.

“Marsh, I just spoke with your sister. What the Hell, dude?”

“Um… what?”

“Tina says you gave up! I thought we were talking about strategies, Marsh. I’d have thought at least you’d call me!”

“I haven’t… wait, Chad you don’t have all the facts!”

“Well, enlighten me, then. Your sister’s pretty confused and a little bit upset, but she wanted to give you time. She said you weren’t in the mood to talk – but that’s girl logic. If you’re supposed to be really a guy, you don’t get that kind of break.”

“It’s… complicated, Chad.”

He snorted in derision. “No, you’re making it complicated. Tell me flat out – have you given up? Have you decided that you don’t want to change back now?”

“Let me explain, Chad,” I pleaded.

“Maybe you like being a girl? Found some guy you’re hot for?”

“No!”

“What, then?”

“Well… when I called Tina… well, it’s pretty clear that I’m not going to find those guys by walking around the physics building.”

“So you try something else, right?”

He made it sound so easy. “The problem, Chad, is that I couldn’t think of something else to try. I was pretty sure that there wasn’t anything else.”

“Uh huh.” Then he paused, considering what I had said. “You were sure? You couldn’t think of anything? Does that mean that now you have thought of something?”

“Yes.” I explained again about Eric and the search for papers that might hint at time travel.

“But if there’s a cover up, wouldn’t they hide the papers, too?”

I laughed. “You get right to the point, don’t you?”

“Well am I wrong?” he insisted.

“Well, the idea is that the profs have to publish their papers to keep their jobs. It would be kind of hard to get the articles out of the journals just because Piques wanted to hide somebody.”

“I see. But you’re letting this guy do the search for you? It all seems a bit passive. You’re sure you’re still a guy? Shouldn’t you being doing something to help?”

“If I could… but I don’t know physics – I wouldn’t know what to look for.”

“Uh huh… So, why haven’t you told Tina all this?”

That was sort of an uncomfortable point with me, actually. I really hated keeping secrets from Tina. Tina was my confidant. Still…

“The problem is, I probably shouldn’t have told her in the first place, Chad. I mean, you saw how upset she was that first day, right?”

“Yeah…”

“So, I don’t know if this is actually going to work. There’s a pretty good chance that I am stuck. And if I’m not… well, wouldn’t it be kinder not to tell Tina?”

This time he didn’t answer for quite a few seconds, although he did sigh. “Marsh, I don’t know what’s best to do with Tina. If you think it’s better not to tell her, that’s your business. But you’ve been saying that you remember me as your ‘best friend’ and I’ve been trying to live up to that. Now, maybe there’s something that’s not connecting in that girl brain of yours, but with guys, if you’re working on something and somebody is helping you, you need to let them know if there’s something big going down. OK?”

His words shamed me. Guys aren’t supposed to let something like a little depression stop them. We’re supposed to keep going, no matter what, and I really should have called him. “I won’t do it again,” I promised. “If something big happens, I’ll tell you.”

“Cool. So… um, how are things?”

“Very confusing,” I laughed. “My roommates are pushing me to date boys and dance with boys, and so on. They’re convinced that I’ll be miserable if I don’t have a date for House Parties.”

“Uh… yeah. OK. Well, stay firm, dude. Keep ‘em hang– I mean… just, um… take care of yourself.”

“Yeah, you, too, Chad.” Then I remembered something. “Oh, did you ever work out that thing with Kathy?”

“What thing with…? Oh, yeah, we worked that out weeks ago.”

“Oh. Sorry. I just remembered that I hadn’t asked you about it.”

“Don’t worry about it. Anyway… talk to you later, right?”

“Right.”

I had to laugh after hanging up. Chad would never have understood about me exploring between my legs, not now. On the other hand, in some ways he had actually made it easier for me. It would certainly be normal for a guy to be very interested in touching a girl down there – I just had the twist that I could tell what it felt like directly, without needing a girl to tell me. Yeah, I knew what I was going to be doing tonight.

I had just started dinner when Sheila sat down, looking very excited. “Sam asked me to House Parties!”

“Good for you!” Terry commented, sitting across from me. I didn’t see Sam, but several other girls – and Phil – added their congratulations. The only other guy at the table, Jay, rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything.

“That’s more than half of us with dates,” Lee Ann said thoughtfully to Terry and me as we walked back to our dorm room afterward. “And if Phil asks Susie… hmm, maybe we need to call a meeting to work this out.”

“Why do we need a meeting?” I protested.

“Just to make sure that everyone is set,” she told me patiently. “And that includes you.”

“No,” I told her. “I’m not interested.”

“That’s only because you haven’t found the right boy,” she replied, as I rolled my eyes. She wasn’t giving up easily.

Terry leaned over to Lee Ann and fake-whispered, “I think Marsh should go with Jay. All of that fighting just has to indicate a deeply concealed mutual attraction.”

I might have argued, but the two of them collapsed into giggles over the idea, and I settled for a wry, “You guys…” I guess as long as they were still joking about it, I didn’t have to worry too much.

“Seriously, though, Marsh,” Lee Ann said as we reached our room, “You’re making way too big a deal of this. We’re not trying to marry you off or anything. You had fun dancing with Bill, didn’t you?”

That was safe enough. “Yeah, I suppose so – but that was just dancing. Nothing else.”

“That’s all I’m talking about. We’ll find you a guy to dance with for a couple of nights, and if the two of you hit it off, so much the better.”

“No,” I insisted. “Lee Ann, I really appreciate this, but… well, I just don’t want to go this year.”

She put her hands on her hips. “Why not? Just give me one good reason, Marsh. You were upset last year when you didn’t have a date. You were upset just a few days ago when your friend found a date and you didn’t. You know you’re going to be miserable if you stay here in the room all alone when the rest of us are partying. So what’s the idea? Why won’t you let us find you a date?”

At that point, if I had still been worrying about trying to play the role of Marsha, I think I would have given in. After all, I’d managed to kiss Jared as Giles while playing the role of Mollie – I could have treated this as just another role I was playing; however, since I had decided that this might be my own life for, well, for the rest of my life, I wasn’t ready to do that. And that meant that I needed to come up with an answer. If only I had a good one.

“I’m just… confused about a lot of things right now, Lee Ann. And… I’m really not ready. I just… I’m just not ready.”

“And when exactly do you expect to be ready?” she demanded, tapping her foot.

I couldn’t meet her eyes. “I don’t know. I guess… if I’m not ready by the Spring House Parties, I guess I’ll never be.” By that time, I would either have changed back or be forced to admit that it’s probably never happening. And if I really was stuck… I’d have decisions to make. At the very least, I’d have to figure out how to square my lack of interest in either boys or girls with my desire for a relationship of some kind. But at least I could put that off for a while.

“You know,” Terry suggested, “you could just come with us without a date. I’m sure Greg and Steve would be happy to dance with you once in a while.”

I smiled in what I hoped was appreciation. “Thanks, but seriously, I’m just going to sit this one out. House Parties are really for couples, and I’m not ready to be part of a couple, even for an evening.”

“And you’re going to be OK with that?”

“I’m just going to have to be, won’t I?” And with that, I thanked my roommates for their concern and sailed into my bedroom. I had a bunch of homework waiting for me, both the conventional type and that assigned me by my good friend, Nikki.