41 Kiss Off

After classes the next day, I walked into the physics building and started searching. The building was larger than I had realized, and none of it looked familiar. The grad student who had signed me up for the experiment had met me in the building lobby and walked me to the lab, but we had been talking the whole way and I hadn’t paid any attention to where we were going. I remember going in an elevator, but not which floor we had gotten to.

There were many offices and labs; some were locked, but I looked into a number of open ones. None of them looked the way I remembered, and I didn’t see that grad student anywhere. I searched for close to an hour, before deciding that I had to get back to my room and work. There’s no reason to worry, I assured myself. I just don’t know the building very well.

Before heading for rehearsal, I called Tina again. She was quite surprised.

“Marsh! You’re really getting into this regular calling thing! What’s happening?”

“I just wanted to talk something over with you. This kiss thing – it’s still a bit of an issue.”

“I thought you said it was ‘nothing’?”

“Yeah – that’s sort of it. Alvin doesn’t want it to be ‘nothing.’ He wants some emotion and affection to come through.”

“Makes sense.”

“You had to do some stage kissing in West Side Story, didn’t you? How did you get the right emotion?”

She laughed. “Well, I’d never kissed a boy before, so I was really nervous. But that was what Mr. Condrin said he wanted – for Maria to be eager and naïve, so it mostly just worked. Sam wanted to practice a lot, but I wouldn’t kiss him except when we were actually on stage. Maybe I should have.

“What does your director say?”

“Well, so far he’s said he wants us to kiss as though we’re very much in love. He told us to remember kissing somebody we really liked or were in love with.”

“Like Dirk?”

“No, not Dirk! I told you, that was Marsha, not me. If I tried to imagine myself kissing Dirk, I’d probably vomit. I was thinking of Vicky, and how she and I used to kiss if we saw each other in the morning after not spending the night together. It had been very comfortable for both of us – kisses which had said, ‘even though we didn’t do anything particularly romantic, you are still very important to me.’ I think that’s sort of what this is like.”

“Did you mention Vicky to me?”

“I’m pretty sure I did.”

“O… K…You’re going to imagine yourself kissing a girl?”

“I pretty much have to, don’t I?”

“I guess; it’s just a bit weird for me to think of you that way.”

I refrained from pushing the point. “I just wondered if you had any suggestions for me.”

“This isn’t exactly something I have a lot of experience with, Marsh. I don’t know if imagining yourself kissing a girl when you’re supposed to be acting as though you’re kissing a boy is going to work, but I don’t have a better idea for you.”

“OK, thanks, Teen,” I said, and we said good bye and hung up.

Rehearsal that night started much as the first one had for the first act; Jo wasn’t there, of course, but Nikki was, and she sat with me. To my surprise, so did Jared. In this act, the two of us were offstage together for a while, so we had some time to talk quietly during the rehearsal – if we could have thought of something to talk about.

The problem was, the only thing we seemed to have in common was theater; we were at an “I’m on your side” stage, but not really friends. Not yet, anyway. That didn’t stop him from trying.

“If you’re supposed to be angry with me in that bit we just did, would it help if I did something really obnoxious, first?” he offered in an undertone.

I grinned at the thought. Then I put on a fake “offended” tone and shot back, “Are you implying that I’m not a good enough actor to play angry without actually being angry?”

Of course, he didn’t know me well enough to tell when I was joking, and for a second he was taken aback. “I didn’t mean to imply–” he said, before realizing what was going on.

At this point, Alvin gave us a sharp look. I guess we were louder than I had realized. We shared a smirk at being rebuked together again, and went back to following the scene in our scripts.

Near the end of the act, we had another of those “intimacy” moments. Jack, playing Trotter, grabbed me from behind with one hand on my mouth and one on my neck, and pressed harder than I thought was necessary, although it did help me play the panic. “Miss Casewell” and “Major Metcalf” rushed onstage to save me. At that point, the blocking called for me to collapse onto the sofa (represented by two folding chairs); as they left, Metcalf called Giles on stage, where he rushed over to comfort me.

Unfortunately, as Jared said his line, “Mollie, Mollie, are you alright?” and reached for me, the speed of his entrance knocked over the chair I was sitting on and I went sprawling.

I said, “Well I was!” as I lay on the ground, laughing, joined by much of the cast.

“Keep going,” Alvin ordered, as Jared helped me up and righted the chair.

So we kept going. I said, “Oh Giles” and leaned against him, as he put his arms around me. But we were both still suppressing laughter, so any real feeling of intimacy would have been lost.

“Who would have dreamed it was Trotter?” he said, trying to see his script over my shoulder.

“He’s mad, quite mad,” I read from my own, and then looked up at him, before the two of us collapsed into laughter again. Alvin let us recover this time and had us restart from Giles’ entrance. This time it went much more smoothly, and we were actually able to get some real closeness into our last lines before Metcalf re-entered.

“You should have told me,” Jared said, reading and looking right at me.

“I wanted to forget,” I responded, seriously.

It was by far the best connection the two of us had made on stage yet, and Alvin complimented us when he gave his notes.

Once we had finished walking through the act twice, Alvin had us repeat the opening bit, which included the kiss. But before we started, he gave us additional instructions.

“You wouldn’t think I’d have to tell a couple of college students how to hug and kiss,” he said. “But what I am looking for is the sense that you two are newlyweds, very much in love, and very comfortable with one another. The kiss is a casual one. It should not look like a nervous ‘first date’ kiss or a forced ‘I don’t really want to kiss you’ kiss. I’ve asked you two to find a memory of somebody you might have kissed that way, or wanted to. Do you both have those memories in your heads?”

We nodded.

“Good. Make those memories strong in your minds, paying attention to how you held your face, your neck, and your mouth. OK? Now try that from Giles’ entrance.”

And we did. Jared said his line, “Shall I stoke the Aga?”

I turned and smiled as I said, “Done” and mentally reached for Vicky.

But Vicky had been five inches shorter than I, where Jared was as much taller, and my arms landed on his rear and his casual peck caught my nose, since my head was tilted down, not up. We both recoiled.

“Whoa!” Alvin stopped us. “What was that?”

I could feel my cheeks grow hot and I stammered, “My– my fault, sorry. I wasn’t paying attention.”

“OK, try it again. Same place.”

So again, I said, “Done” and smiled. This time I imagined Vicky standing on a ladder so that had to reach up for her; I reached for her shoulders as Jared leaned down – but his shoulders were quite a bit further apart than hers and I smacked him in the chest.

“No, no, no.” Alvin said. “Marsh, this time just turn your face up and keep your hands down; imagine that you are wiping them on your apron. Again.” He still sounded patient somehow, although I certainly wasn’t. I shouldn’t be screwing up like this in front of the entire cast. Fortunately, nobody had laughed – yet.

One more time I said, “Done” and smiled, and turned my face up to kiss Vicky. But with my eyes open to make sure we didn’t miss, I saw Vicky’s face suddenly transformed into that of a boy, and recoiled. We made lip contact only because Jared followed through. But it didn’t feel loving and casual, and apparently it didn’t look like it, either, as Alvin stopped us once again.

“OK, this isn’t working,” he said. “Jared, I believe that your Giles is in love with his wife. You’re leaning over with a fond and tender smile and it just works. Marsh… I don’t know what the Hell you’re doing. It’s as though you’re afraid of Giles, and I had hoped we had just fixed that. Whomever you’re imagining, it’s not working. If you can’t bring up a positive memory of a boy you’ve kissed, the next best thing would be for you to think of a guy you wish you could have. Can you do that?”

Obviously, that was going to be rather difficult. Yet thinking of Vicky didn’t give the impression that he was looking for. What was I supposed to do? I shrugged and nodded, indicating that I didn’t really have an answer, but that I would try.

“Look, take your time,” he said. “Think about it for Wednesday, and let’s move on.”

He had us run two other bits from the first act – the ends of both scenes – before letting us go.

“Good rehearsal,” Jared told me, making a thumbs-up sign.

“Except for the kissing,” I answered ruefully. Certainly, it was a much more comfortable rehearsal than it had been, other than that one part I just couldn’t get right.

Nikki intercepted me before I could leave. “Marsh, would you mind if I tried to help you with the kissing thing? Alvin thought that you might be more comfortable talking it over with another girl in private than in front of the whole cast.”

“Alright,” I agreed. “I really do seem to need some help with this. Where could we talk?”

“Well, it’s really too late to hang around here by ourselves. Why don’t we go to the Grill?”

The Grill was about a five-minute walk from the rehearsal room, so we started talking on the way. I wasn’t sure what she was going to be able to do. Even though Nikki and I had become close friends pretty quickly, sharing the real reason for my difficulty wasn’t something I was ready to share. But I couldn’t tell her that.

“Can you give me some idea of what kind of problem you’re having, Marsh?” Nikki asked. “Does the boy you are visualizing have some negative associations for you? Maybe you could try a different one. Are you trying different boys?”

“No,” I admitted. “I… I haven’t been able to think of a boy who… you know.”

She looked at me, curiously. “But didn’t you tell me that in your old life, you had dated constantly? Surely there must be one boy…”

“No,” I said again, a bit embarrassed. “There really isn’t…”

“But that doesn’t make sense, given all the…” she trailed off suddenly, and I could have kicked myself.

30 Comments

  1. von says:

    On the show vs tell scale I think this is the best chapter you have written in the whole book.

  2. von says:

    I would kill the last half of the last sentence. It goes better without saying. End with the elipses.

  3. von says:

    On a totally related note, this chapter killed the book for me, this chapter and the previous one on this subject.

  4. Cyndane says:

    First time responder here. I thought the only problem with this chapter was that it was retreading old ground rather soon. While, yes, it is chronologically appropriate to do so here, it is not terribly entertaining to read. There’s a reason that people tend to skip episode recaps if they have a program recorded, especially when marathon-ing the episodes. I’m not sure how well this chapter will stand when in a finished work.

    Also, I feel baited and switched about the mystery in the science building. I really want to know what’s going on there.

    But don’t let these critiques make you feel down. I’m enjoying the story as a whole. Keep up the good work and hope you feel better soon if you’re not already.

    Also, I don’t like von’s suggestion to end the chapter with the ellipsis. The currenet final line makes for a natural segue to the next chapter as long as the next chapter begins where this ends.

  5. von says:

    >>>The current final line makes for a natural segue to the next chapter as long as the next chapter begins where this ends.

    Which is precisely my problem with it, and has been throughout the book. The whole ‘show don’t tell’ thing. Ending at the elipses leaves the reader to fill in ‘ooops, he just told her too much’ (which he actually did a few chapters ago).

    Speaking of ‘show don’t tell’, my earlier comment, on further reflection, fails at the paragraph:
    >>And we did. Envisioning Jared as Vicky was a bit of a stretch; plus, he was taller than I was, whereas Vicky had been shorter. Still, we tried it. And again. And again. But Alvin was not satisfied!

    Is pure tell not show.

  6. Russ says:

    I think we disagree on this rule. You have it as “show don’t tell” where I have it as “show when you want to dramatize and tell when it’s otherwise.” If I did nothing but show, it would be more like a script. And I already write radioplay scripts. I want this to be narrative, with certain parts emphasized and others not. I agree that the chapter needs to end with as little additional said as possible after Nikki’s line. But ending right after the ellipse feels wrong.

  7. von says:

    I don’t disagree with the idea that some of the story must be told, to make way for more important parts. Where I disagree is a) with how much you do it, b) with the importance of the things that you tell now show (as here) and c) as at the end here, where you serve us something on a silver platter that would work (IMO) much better if left unsaid completely… unsaid except in the readers mind.

    For example, you new ending is much, much better! “I could have kicked myself’ leads the reader to figure out why.

    I think you could do even better (I have seen you do so), something like,
    “But, I don’t understand…”, and she suddenly stared at me intensely. I could have kicked myself. What had I done?

    I dunno, not my best line.

    The failed kiss is the very focus of this chapter. It is the thing that everything leads up to, and trails off from. and so to merely say:

    >>Still, we tried it. And again. And again. But Alvin was not satisfied!

    Is to not show the very thing that the entire chapter is about. This is not some minor part to be skipped over, it is the focus of the whole chapter. Why was he not satisfied? We are give no clue at all. Did Marsh think he was doing a good job kissing Jared? Did he put his hands where he remembered putting his hands while kissing his girl friends?
    How did Marsh, before Alvins comment, think Jared had done? How did he feel about his own performance. What did Alvin say, what direction did he give, between kisses? Did he keep saying, “More passion Marsh! Kiss Jared as if you were in love with him!” causing Marsh to focus on the word *him* and blowing the “I am kissing a girl,” mantra that he was reciting in his head.

    Did, for example, Marsh keep saying to himself “this is just a stage kiss, this is just a stage kiss, it means nothing, it means nothing… etc.” during and between the kisses? Did he get nervous, fumbling, etc.

    (BTW, that last would save the book for me.)

    I would kill this paragraph:
    >> wasn’t sure what she was going to be able to do. Even though Nikki and I had become close friends pretty quickly, sharing the real reason for my difficulty wasn’t something I was ready to share. But I couldn’t tell her that.

    or move it after the ‘Alright’ comment.
    >>

  8. von says:

    I would kill it because we know all that. I would move it after, because it makes for a better flow. Perhaps put it as, ‘as we walked I worked myself into a funk. How could Nikki help me if she didnt’ know why I was having a problem? And I was *not* ready to tell her why I was having a problem.’

  9. von says:

    And example from Wodehouse, one of the finest writers ever of the English language:

    When he came down on this particular morning, the meal was nearly over.
    Mr. Jackson had disappeared, taking his correspondence with him; Mrs.
    Jackson had gone into the kitchen, and when Mike appeared the thing had
    resolved itself into a mere vulgar brawl between Phyllis and Ella for
    the jam, while Marjory, recently affecting a grown-up air, looked on in
    a detached sort of way, as if these juvenile gambols distressed her.

    “Hello, Mike,” she said, jumping up as he entered, “here you are–I’ve
    been keeping everything hot for you.”

    “Have you? Thanks awfully. I say …” His eye wandered in mild surprise
    round the table. “I’m a bit late.”

    Marjory was bustling about, fetching and carrying for Mike, as she
    always did. She had adopted him at an early age, and did the thing
    thoroughly. She was fond of her other brothers, especially when they
    made centuries in first-class cricket, but Mike was her favorite. She
    would field out in the deep as a natural thing when Mike was batting at
    the net in the paddock, though for the others, even for Joe, who had
    played in all five Test Matches in the previous summer, she would do it
    only as a favor.

    Phyllis and Ella finished their dispute and went out. Marjory sat on the
    table and watched Mike eat.

    “Your report came this morning, Mike,” she said.

    The kidneys failed to retain Mike’s undivided attention. He looked up
    interested. “What did it say?”

    “I didn’t see–I only caught sight of the Wrykyn crest on the envelope.
    Father didn’t say anything.”

    The line ‘Phyllis and Ella finished their dispute and went out.’ is a wonderful example of when to ‘tell’. The dispute is part of the general background of the domestic life this book takes place in. It would have been unnecessary and unhelpful to have had several lines of their ‘finishing’ their dispute.

    If, on the other hand, this dispute was to end up forming a significant part of the book… if chapters and chapters led up to it, and the rest of the chapter discussed it, then that line would have been horrible.

    That is how I feel about ‘again, and again’.

    But, as I have said before, it is your book.

  10. von says:

    BTW, the preceding was from one of my favorite books in the English language, “Mike and Smith’and is available for free at Gutenburg.

  11. Russ says:

    OK, I see your point and I have revised it. It does make it stronger. I had been focusing on getting to the next chapter, I think, and just needed to dwell a bit more on this one.

  12. von says:

    That is incredibly better! It even deals with the moral issue I was having. I will be thinking about my review, and maybe discuss some things by Email with you, and then revisiting my review.

    >> but he was a lot broader than she was and I smacked him in the chest.

    I don’t quite get this. Marsh’s hands hit Jareds chest when Marsh tried to reach for Jareds shoulders?

    I don’t think that mistake is possible for a normal human being, but possibly for someone who is incredibly nervous.

    Again, much, much better!!

    Much.

  13. von says:

    >>I thought we had just fixed that.

    I think, ‘had hoped’ would be stronger here.

  14. Russ says:

    Marsh reached for Vicky’s shoulders, which are a lot closer together than Jared’s

    I agree that “had hoped” is better.

  15. von says:

    >>Marsh reached for Vicky’s shoulders, which are a lot closer together than Jared’s

    I wasn’t so much looking for an explanation, but more telling you that when I first read this it confused me.

  16. von says:

    >>Also, I feel baited and switched about the mystery in the science building. I really want to know what’s going on there.

    Yes, I must say those paragraphs were odd. They really didn’t go anywhere, and they didn’t help with the kissing chapter. I think they would make for a good chapter on their own, perhaps combined with something else… a call to Chad, perhaps. And Chad can open up about something, or complain how Tina is always at his house talking about Marsh, or aliens have landed. Something.

    If appropriate to the plot, I would like to see a bit of rising tension/panic about the whole thing. He had originally thought it would be easy to just run in and get it fixed at any time. But now it is looking impossible, and the book isn’t facing that.

    (Aliens with long orange tentacles, of course 🙂 )

  17. von says:

    >>“Except for the kissing,” I answered ruefully.

    I like this line. It shows initiative on Marsh’s part that I hadn’t seen before.

  18. von says:

    >>Are you trying different boys?”

    “No,” I admitted. “I… I haven’t been able to think of a boy who… you know.”

    It may be your design, but these lines don’t go togehter. “Are you imagining different boys” “no”

    No, I am not imagining different boys (ie I am imagining only one boy)

    You might try, “who are you imagining? Tell me about him, perhaps that would help.”
    “I am not really imagining any particular boy.”
    “What? That is what Alvin told you to do! Can’t you think of some boy that you really liked, where the kissing went really well?”
    I certainly couldn’t!! The thought was disgusting. She must have seen that on my face,
    “I don’t undestand. With all of those dates how…”

    etc.

  19. von says:

    >>and she sat with me, since Naomi wasn’t being particularly talkative

    Huh?

  20. von says:

    >>“If you’re supposed to me angry with my in that bit we just did, would it help if I did something really obnoxious, first?” he offered in an undertone.

    I grinned at the thought.

    Just wondering if Jared was thinking, here, of what I was thinking.

    And if Marsh realized it.

  21. von says:

    >>This is getting to be a habit, now!

    Perhaps this is a different dialect, but it doesn’t work for me. “This is getting to be” works and “Now you’re getting this whole ‘call your sister’ thing!” or even, “I’m really feeling like your a sister now!”

    But somehow ‘getting to be’ and ‘habit’ and ‘now’ isn’t working for me.

  22. von says:

    Or, as my son suggested when I raised the general point, ‘You’re really getting into this (or the) habit now!”

  23. Russ says:

    Some minor changes – deleted the reference to Naomi; it wasn’t important to the story; rephrased Tina’s line, and added a bit to the searching comment.

  24. Eduardo says:

    I will not even try to discuss the grammar and text composition here. Simply put, english is not my native language and I am a Physics teacher, not a literature critic.
    But I can comment on the plot.
    And, instead of just stating that I like it, and consider the whole thing much better written than most literature on the net (as I just said), let me make a list of the points that I like:
    Like:
    – Character changed gender and didn´t try to “touch” herself or make any advance towards a man yet.
    – The character is somehow guilty for the transformation and accept this as a fact (not the old: well, I have no choice but to become a girl).
    – There is some degree of inteligence in the actions of Marsh. He/she does not end dating a boy only because he/she does not know how to deal with a flirt, like we see in some fiction (and is clearly absurd).

    Two points about the plot:

    – In my opinion, being an inteligent person Marsh should try harder to find information about the experiment. Being a science fiction reader she should know that a lot of her decisions (including the one about staying for a few months in her current form) depend on how the experiment was done and what theories were behind it.
    – I may be wrong, but I belive that in her place most people would be more worried about their sexuality, after all, nobody really knows how much sexual impulse is hormone based and how much it comes from other sources (neurological, upbringing, …)

    Due to these two last points your main character looks like someone that dilikes to think too much about problems that may have solutions unconfortable for him/her. Since his behaviour towards relationships and his macho behaviour towards his sister (with several incongruencies when you think in his standarts for hinself) also demonstrate this, I wonder if this flaw in March´s characters was put there on purpose.

    Well, I will keep reading as it comes.

  25. Russ says:

    Welcome, and thanks for the comments. Yes, you have interpreted Marsh’s character as I intended. Thanks!

  26. Harri says:

    I LOVE THIS CHAPTER!!!! :):)

  27. Hoopla says:

    Another one I think.

    “If you’re supposed to ***me*** angry with my in that bit we just did, would it help if I did something really obnoxious, first?” he offered in an undertone.

    me = be ?

  28. Russ says:

    Yes, and further “my” should have been “me” – thanks for catching this.

  29. Don says:

    Looks like there’s a double “I was” in paragraph 14 (where Marsh is talking to Tina about Dirk)

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